Make Peace with a Difficult Colleague

Think about your most annoying colleague—the one who does that thing that just irks you. Now consider the possibility that they might never change. How can you make peace with their flaws and not build resentment?

• Clarify your principles. Write down what you believe about forgiveness. Are there conditions that can warrant it, and if so, what are they? Do you have limits on how frequently you forgive (e.g., three strikes and you’re out)? What things have you deemed unforgivable?
• Separate your emotions from your actions. Write down all the emotions you’ve felt toward your colleague—resentment, vindictiveness, fear, etc. Next, consider how these emotions have shaped your behavior. Have you vented about the person to colleagues, or given them the cold shoulder? Be honest about which reactions are counterproductive.
• Reflect on the whole story. Take a step back and reconsider. Are there factors you’ve ignored? How might you be contributing to the problem? Are you being unfair? Be willing to shape a new mindset about the situation and your colleague.
• Forgive—and adjust your posture. Consciously choose to let go of your negative feelings toward your colleague. Just as important, forgive yourself for any part you’ve played in the problem, and for expecting someone to be something they’re not. Choose to be more gracious, hospitable, and kind.